Can I just restart?

I’ll be brief just to get this ball rolling again.

When I started this blog journey last year I had high hopes I’d stick to it and be able to learn so much, meet great people and be able to look back on all of it. But something just wasn’t clicking after all I was struggling with last year. I right now would like to blame that darn anxiety/depression medication I had taken! I knew for the last 24 years there was a reason I never took anything.
Although others said they saw a change, I felt like I was in a fish bowl all the time. Was not pleasant at all to say the least.
A million things have happened since I lasted posted. New animals, lots I mean lots of traveling, tons of holidays, birthdays, family gatherings and last but not least I recently got married!! Yes tons of great things along with the down times have happened and I have been aching to refresh this blog and try it again! So I’ll catch you up on the big juicy details of certain events next time!

So here’s to my return!!
Thanks for stopping by!

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50 Followers

I want to give a big Thank You to each and everyone of you that follow my blog!

TODAY I HIT 50 FOLLOWERS!!!!!!!!

Personally I think this is huge considering it is just me rambling about random life stuff on my blog and I never thought I’d get 50!

SO THANK YOU!!

This just makes me feel loved and I think I have got my blog love back!

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Thank you for stopping by!!

I’m unsure what to talk about but I want to talk to you so drop a comment in the box!!

Where are you?

So what are you to do when you are stuck on a small iPhone screen?

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Last week my laptop I’ve depended on since 2009 just took a big crap on me and doesn’t work. So now I’m stuck blogging on my iPhone and having to try to keep up with all of you and to be honest it is really hard. It was so nice to be able to see the whole post you shared and actually enjoy it without squinting.
Where are you?

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I am hoping with my awesome mind powers it will magically correct itself and work cause it isn’t worth fixing $$$ but it isn’t in my budget to but a new one yet so I hope you all bare with me during this struggle and if you want to share anything specific with me or drop me a note you know where to find me, my Talk To Me page above^^^ or of course Email, Twitter, or just drop me a comment!
Thank for stopping by it means a lot to me and hope to hear from you!

I want to say thanks for the support also any little bit helps THANKS!

Disconnected

………………hello……….hello…………………

That’s how it feels right now. Like I’m making the call to my brain and body but I am not getting an answer back. It’s hard to explain exactly what is it I’m feeling. So much good is going on yet I can’t make the connection. Just last month I can name 5 great things that happened that I should be in such a good place now.

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My Fiancé and I went through a rough patch drama bullshit people but we made it through and have been reconnecting and getting back to the basics. He works out of state so we have been almost dating again weekends away he stays here I go there it’s kind of neat. We went to Cedar Point and went on The Great Guernsey Trail for a bike ride. Those were two great weekends. School has been great, never thought I would do so well, feels so good be out there working on my career finally.
Therapy has been so great helping me work through a ton of things with my anxiety. I just can’t say enough how great therapy is for me!!
I am so excited about my iguana Shaggy also. He is now free to roam the house. This is a big deal since he is small and can be anywhere at anytime. But he is getting use to us and much calmer than when we first got him.
But the Big News is that my best childhood friend Hannah asked me to be the photographer at her wedding this November! I love photography 🙂 She is such a good friend to think of me and want me to capture her finest and greatest moment her wedding day means the world to me.

So considering all that I should be in like super awesome happy mode! And I am deep down, yes happy, but it doesn’t make it to my face or my actions. I have brief moments of bliss thinking how great things are now and how far I’ve come in a year but it doesn’t stick. As for the reason I feel disconnected. It’s hard to find the words when you can’t make the connections on feelings or what is going on. Even this post seems disconnected. Not sure I want to post it but I have like 10 drafts of others post I didn’t and I think I really should post this. Let you get an idea of the reason I’m not posting often. It’s hard and I don’t know why exactly. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself about everything being so good. Too many questions and now I’m rambling. Welcome to my World!!

So I invite you to ask me anything or let me know what you think. I know I’m not the only person out there feeling disconnected if not now maybe a time in your past. Time to make a connection even if online cause my social life stinks is awesome!

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It’s been too long

I have writers block!
When I say that it just means so much is going on in my head I can’t form words to express them. Only time I can get anything out correctly is in my therapy I’ve been in since end of April right after I was told and diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

I love therapy!

It isn’t therapy like I thought where I sit an do a ton of talking. It’s more to help manage my life therapy. Set goals and help manage anxiety’s in my life. Since I understand that anxiety doesn’t just go away like the a stomach flu or a headache. But going through all this is really hard on me. I am an open book I like to think but it’s all surface stuff. Now I have to deal with things I’ve always brushed off. Small things trigger my anxiety quickly and that’s hard to manage without going bonkers! I just keep saying “Anxiety just needs to go away anytime now!” But the truth is I’ve always had it just ignored it for the most part. Until it knocked down my door and now I have to deal with it. I hate talking about how I really feel and hate even more having people question me and my feelings. So again I will say I love therapy cause she doesn’t question me!! I’m sure she does but she is an expert and has a real good way to ask me. And it helps knowing she isn’t judging me and isn’t going to turn and blab to her girls friends or the bartender about my life. I must say that’s the biggest reason I love therapy, the no judgment! Everyone judges, don’t even think you don’t liar, cause you do! It may not be huge and absurd judgments but you do it, we all do it.

So if you find security and hope in life by talking to a complete stranger about your life I say go for it. Doesn’t mean your weak or can’t handle life just means to me that you don’t need anyone else’s opinion and just someone to listen. And if you get some feedback or direction BONUS!

So I think I’ve rambled on enough about my personal therapy situation to end this post in saying I miss my blog ramblings and hope soon I’ll be back in the swing of it and have even more to offer my lovely followers.

I may not always blog cause I feel blogs deserve many words, but I have my Twitter, which I am constant on, small thoughts and ideas are easier to manage 🙂 So come see me there maybe let me know what you’d like to hear more of about my journey through life, anxiety, therapy, or anything else I’ve written about.

Always thankful to you for stopping by and hope I’ve inspired you!

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WRITING AHHHH

I can’t even explain how this is so hard!

Okay I can write all day about anything blah blah blah blah! But now that I am officially in COLLEGE I all of a sudden can’t write. I get my first assignment in my class to write a Breakthrough Essay to help my professor get to know my writing style and I am freaking out. What if I do it wrong? Is there a way to express yourself wrong? The judgment is killing me! How can I get through this 12 week jammed pack class if I am unable to do a simple informal essay? But yet here I am writing on my blog like no problem.

Ahhh the pressure!!! 

Okay I first have to express that I LOVE EXPRESSING myself trough writing whether I am good at it or not, I like it! But there are so many RULES when it comes to writing!Image

I mean okay we got the basics in high school but it has been almost 8 years since I dropped out I am pretty sure I missed some stuff. But it turns out, I like English and I am pretty good at it, most the time, when I try. So why am I so scared about writing this essay when I know I can. Does it really matter what the professor thinks…HELL YEAH!! 

So I guess this post was just to express my stress about writing in the real world. Cause on here I think I’m pretty awesome even when I’m not! Just goes to show when your writing for the love and fun of it how different it really is.

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my little rant! 

It’s Official

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I’ve been MIA for a while it seems but I’m back to update quickly to everyone that I am officially enrolled and start college this week!! Been a very stressful time trying to get everything together but it all came together.

If you read my last post you know that I’m going through a ton but I’m being positive and very excited to finally start this new chapter in my life! I didn’t graduate high school and took me until I was 24 to get the courage to grab my life back and I received my GED December of 2012!! That was a huge step and I am proud of myself no matter what that I’ve accomplish so much in less than a year!!

I will be attending MMCC for my associates in english and then transferring to CMU for my bachelorsin education! I’m just so happy about my progress.

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Outside Looking In

Can it be true?

20130428-204258.jpgLooking in on someones life you can glance and see it is very nice. But that is looking from the outside. You don’t know if she cries at night or wakes up and convinces herself that this is what she wants, she has to keep on going. She can’t give up no matter what! It is also possible that you are seeing it correctly. She has it all, the perfect job, house and the dream. She made all the right choices and now she has it all!

Just like this picture, you look and see such beauty in the color of the nails and nature in her hand. But what you don’t see is the aching, the peeling skin and she may be mad crumpling the flowers in her hand. Just depends on when you capture her.

Take a second look

I am just that girl.

 I wanted this blog to be a public place I brag about how great my life is. How simple it is like nail polish and vacations. But I would be lying if that is all I wrote about. I mean my blog title is, just a girl writing about what life has handed her, it would be a shame not to share all of it with you.

A Deeper Look 

I struggle daily with anxiety. I had never been diagnosed by a physician but I grew up knowing something wasn’t right with me. I was  different from my brothers and sisters. My mind raced with a million what if’s in a second it seemed. I was so scared something would go wrong, I would miss out on something or someone would be upset at me I lost my confidence and became a monster on the outside to protect myself.  As I got older it got worse. I would find myself huddle in a corner crying about something but my mind was racing so fast that I didn’t know what it even was anymore I was upset about. It made making decision about anything more difficult and thinking about my future would make me paralyzed inside. Only in the last 3 years have I realized what it is that is wrong with me and found ways to cope with it. As much as I want to control it and thought I was in control I wasn’t and I am not.

The Past, The Present, The Future

In the past anxiety controlled me and it still does today, but in the future I will have control.

Recently my life has been really good on the outside but something just wasn’t right. Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I cry all the time? Why am I so angry?

Well turns out I don’t just have anxiety to deal with but I also am depressed. I finally lost control enough in my life that someone had to step in and I was diagnosed with my anxiety, which I knew, but was shocked to hear I was depressed. I am a sufferer of depression. I see those commercials, that isn’t me! I get up and I get dressed. I laugh about things, I am fine. But that isn’t true and now I have a ton of work to do and figure out why I am this way and what I can do to take my life back from these diagnosis’. Now that I know and am aware of what is going on the signs are so much clearer but it doesn’t make it easier. I still cry so much over everything. Truthfully I get up I do what I have but if I think about it, yes please, leave me in my sweats and let me lay in bed all day. I can’t keep up with things and lose interest quickly. I want to do so much but this depression and anxiety is holding me back and I feel like I am allowing it to. This is a real struggle in my life right now. It is hard not just on me but those closest to me that don’t understand and just want to shake me back to life.  This all goes through my head all day. How I make others feel and why I can’t make them happy?  Why I can’t be normal in their eyes?

I don’t know anyone with both depression and anxiety. I don’t know if what I am feeling is normal or what I should be doing. I feel like my depression is working against my anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain how trapped I feel in my own mind and body. I try to ignore it, dig deep, and go for it. But no matter how hard I think it or say it to myself I sometimes just cannot do it! So I write about it, this is one of my first steps to recovery or something of that sort. I can’t promise that I can write everyday about it or be able to again but I found it somewhere in me to say something.

One last thing… I don’t know why it is this way at all but it is. I don’t know if it is from years of anxiety but I want to make everything look good on the outside. I don’t want people to judge me and make me feel small. I don’t want to be vulnerable. So I don’t talk about that stuff I keep it upbeat and happy but I can’t keep doing that. That is not how life is and you aren’t going to get support from the people around you if you lie and hide all the time. So I will keep posting happy and simple nails bits and all that fun stuff I always do but you may have to deal with a few reality checks in my life for me!

Thanks for stopping by!

May Photo A Day Challenge*Day 3/4/5

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I have been MIA but I didn’t forget!

20130505-201600.jpgDay 3 was “this is really good” and these crackers are so good! They are tasty and not too strong and can be eaten anytime I swear such a good snack, LOVE THEM!

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Day 4 was “in my cup” and it has been Gatorade for quite some time! I love Fruit Punch Gatorade so much and I could drink it all the time.

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Day 5 is “paper” and when I think of paper I think of the greatest thing printed on paper and that is my GED and the papers I got for registering for college!

 

May Photo A Day Challenge*Day 2

Day 2 of the May Photo Challenge

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Today is “morning ritual” and I must admit I am NOT a routine type girl at all, let alone a morning person. But if I think hard there are a few things I do every morning.

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My main thing I make sure I do every morning is pay a little attention to Shaggy. Switch his lights, feed him and maybe pick him up.

I am not addicted but coffee in the morning is a big plus in my book and most mornings I have a cup or two. I love my KEURIG Coffee Maker!

I am on my phone ASAP checking my Instagram or Twitter. I am also on my iPhone saying good morning to my bestie, I really can’t enjoy a day without talking to her.

With so much going on with my phone I have my laptop open playing some music and open to one of my social networks, usually my blog or Facebook so I can chat to everyone in the morning.  

And that would conclude my morning ritual. Which then its bathroom time and out the door 😀

So not a big deal morning ritual at all and now that I think about it I really am addicted to my online life 😀  But for a person with not much of any routine and not a morning person I still manage to get out of bed and start my day!

Thanks for stopping by and hope you got a little inspiration. Don’t forget if you want to join this challenge check out my first post and tag #FMSphotoaday on Twitter and Instagram with your pictures!

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