Disconnected

………………hello……….hello…………………

That’s how it feels right now. Like I’m making the call to my brain and body but I am not getting an answer back. It’s hard to explain exactly what is it I’m feeling. So much good is going on yet I can’t make the connection. Just last month I can name 5 great things that happened that I should be in such a good place now.

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My Fianc√© and I went through a rough patch drama bullshit people but we made it through and have been reconnecting and getting back to the basics. He works out of state so we have been almost dating again weekends away he stays here I go there it’s kind of neat. We went to Cedar Point and went on The Great Guernsey Trail for a bike ride. Those were two great weekends. School has been great, never thought I would do so well, feels so good be out there working on my career finally.
Therapy has been so great helping me work through a ton of things with my anxiety. I just can’t say enough how great therapy is for me!!
I am so excited about my iguana Shaggy also. He is now free to roam the house. This is a big deal since he is small and can be anywhere at anytime. But he is getting use to us and much calmer than when we first got him.
But the Big News is that my best childhood friend Hannah asked me to be the photographer at her wedding this November! I love photography ūüôā She is such a good friend to think of me and want me to capture her finest and greatest moment her wedding day means the world to me.

So considering all that I should be in like super awesome happy mode! And I am deep down, yes happy, but it doesn’t make it to my face or my actions. I have brief moments of bliss thinking how great things are now and how far I’ve come in a year but it doesn’t stick. As for the reason I feel disconnected. It’s hard to find the words when you can’t make the connections on feelings or what is going on. Even this post seems disconnected. Not sure I want to post it but I have like 10 drafts of others post I didn’t and I think I really should post this. Let you get an idea of the reason I’m not posting often. It’s hard and I don’t know why exactly. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself about everything being so good. Too many questions and now I’m rambling. Welcome to my World!!

So I invite you to ask me anything or let me know what you think. I know I’m not the only person out there feeling disconnected if not now maybe a time in your past. Time to make a connection even if online cause my social life stinks is awesome!

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It’s been too long

I have writers block!
When I say that it just means so much is going on in my head I can’t form words to express them. Only time I can get anything out correctly is in my therapy I’ve been in since end of April right after I was told and diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

I love therapy!

It isn’t therapy like I thought where I sit an do a ton of talking. It’s more to help manage my life therapy. Set goals and help manage anxiety’s in my life. Since I understand that anxiety doesn’t just go away like the a stomach flu or a headache. But going through all this is really hard on me. I am an open book I like to think but it’s all surface stuff. Now I have to deal with things I’ve always brushed off. Small things trigger my anxiety quickly and that’s hard to manage without going bonkers! I just keep saying “Anxiety just needs to go away anytime now!” But the truth is I’ve always had it just ignored it for the most part. Until it knocked down my door and now I have to deal with it. I hate talking about how I really feel and hate even more having people question me and my feelings. So again I will say I love therapy cause she doesn’t question me!! I’m sure she does but she is an expert and has a real good way to ask me. And it helps knowing she isn’t judging me and isn’t going to turn and blab to her girls friends or the bartender about my life. I must say that’s the biggest reason I love therapy, the no judgment! Everyone judges, don’t even think you don’t liar, cause you do! It may not be huge and absurd judgments but you do it, we all do it.

So if you find security and hope in life by talking to a complete stranger about your life I say go for it. Doesn’t mean your weak or can’t handle life just means to me that you don’t need anyone else’s opinion and just someone to listen. And if you get some feedback or direction BONUS!

So I think I’ve rambled on enough about my personal therapy situation to end this post in saying I miss my blog ramblings and hope soon I’ll be back in the swing of it and have even more to offer my lovely followers.

I may not always blog cause I feel blogs deserve many words, but I have my Twitter, which I am constant on, small thoughts and ideas are easier to manage ūüôā So come see me there maybe let me know what you’d like to hear more of about my journey through life, anxiety, therapy, or anything else I’ve written about.

Always thankful to you for stopping by and hope I’ve inspired you!

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WRITING AHHHH

I can’t even explain how this is so hard!

Okay I can write all day¬†about¬†anything blah blah blah blah! But now that I am officially in COLLEGE I all of a sudden can’t write. I get my first assignment in my class to write a¬†Breakthrough Essay¬†to help my professor get to know my writing style and I am freaking out. What if I do it wrong? Is there a way to express yourself wrong? The judgment is killing me! How can I get through this 12 week jammed pack class if I am unable to do a simple¬†informal¬†essay? But yet here I am writing on my blog like no¬†problem.

Ahhh the pressure!!! 

Okay I first have to express that I LOVE EXPRESSING myself trough writing whether I am good at it or not, I like it! But there are so many RULES when it comes to writing!Image

I mean okay we got the basics in high school but it has been almost 8 years since I dropped out I am pretty sure I missed some stuff. But it turns out, I like¬†English and I am pretty good at it, most the time, when I try. So why am I so scared about writing this essay when I know I can. Does it really matter what the professor thinks…HELL YEAH!!¬†

So I guess this post was just to express my stress about writing in the real world. Cause on here I think I’m pretty awesome even when I’m not! Just goes to show when your¬†writing¬†for the love and fun of it how different it really is.

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my little rant! 

It’s Official

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I’ve been MIA for a while it seems but I’m back to update quickly to everyone that I am officially enrolled and start college this week!! Been a very stressful time trying to get everything together but it all came together.

If you read my last post you know that I’m going through a ton but I’m being positive and very excited to finally start this new chapter in my life! I didn’t graduate high school and took me until I was 24 to get the courage to grab my life back and I received my GED December of 2012!! That was a huge step and I am proud of myself no matter what that I’ve accomplish so much in less than a year!!

I will be attending MMCC for my associates in english and then transferring to CMU for my bachelorsin education! I’m just so happy about my progress.

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Outside Looking In

Can it be true?

20130428-204258.jpgLooking in on someones life you can glance and see it is very nice. But that is looking from the outside. You don’t know if she cries at night or wakes up and convinces herself that this is what she wants, she has to keep on going. She can’t give up no matter what! It is also possible that you are seeing it correctly. She has it all, the perfect job, house and the dream. She made all the right choices and now she has it all!

Just like this picture, you look and see such beauty in the color of the nails and nature in her hand. But what you don’t see is the aching, the peeling skin and she may be mad crumpling the flowers in her hand. Just depends on when you capture her.

Take a second look

I am just that girl.

 I wanted this blog to be a public place I brag about how great my life is. How simple it is like nail polish and vacations. But I would be lying if that is all I wrote about. I mean my blog title is, just a girl writing about what life has handed her, it would be a shame not to share all of it with you.

A Deeper Look 

I¬†struggle¬†daily with anxiety. I had never been diagnosed by a physician but I grew up knowing¬†something¬†wasn’t right with me. I was ¬†different¬†from my brothers¬†and¬†sisters. My mind raced with a million what if’s in a second it seemed. I was so scared¬†something¬†would go wrong, I would miss out on something or someone would be upset at me I lost my confidence and became a monster on the outside to protect myself. ¬†As I got older it got worse. I would find myself huddle in a corner crying about something but my mind was racing so fast that I didn’t know what it even was anymore I was upset about. It made making decision about anything more difficult and thinking about my future would make me paralyzed inside. Only in the last 3 years have I realized what it is that is wrong with me and found ways to cope with it. As much as I want to control it and¬†thought I was in¬†control¬†I wasn’t and I am not.

The Past, The Present, The Future

In the past anxiety controlled me and it still does today, but in the future I will have control.

Recently my life has been really good on the outside but something just wasn’t right.¬†Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I cry all the time? Why am I so angry?

Well turns out I don’t just have anxiety to deal with but I also am depressed. I finally lost control enough in my life that someone had to step in and I was diagnosed with my anxiety, which I knew, but was shocked to hear I was depressed. I am a sufferer of depression. I see those commercials, that isn’t me! I get up and I get dressed. I laugh about things, I am fine. But that isn’t true and now I have a ton of work to do and figure out why I am this way and what I can do to take my life back from these diagnosis’. Now that I know and am aware of what is going on the signs are so much clearer but it doesn’t make it easier. I still cry so much over everything. Truthfully I get up I do what I have but if I think about it, yes please, leave me in my sweats and let me lay in bed all day. I can’t keep up with things and lose interest quickly. I want to do so much but this¬†depression¬†and anxiety is holding me back and I feel like I am allowing it to. This is a real struggle in my life right now. It is hard not just on me but those closest to me that don’t understand and just want to shake me back to life. ¬†This all goes through my head all day. How I make others feel and why I can’t make them happy? ¬†Why I can’t be normal in their eyes?

I don’t know anyone with both depression and anxiety. I don’t know if what I am feeling is normal or what I should be doing. I feel like my depression is working against my anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain how trapped I feel in my own mind and body. I try to ignore it, dig deep, and go for it. But no matter how hard I think it or say it to myself I sometimes just cannot do it! So I write about it, this is one of my first steps to recovery or something of that sort. I can’t promise that I can write everyday about it or be able to again but I found it somewhere in me to say something.

One last thing… I don’t know why it is this way at all but it is. I don’t know if it is from years of anxiety but I want to make¬†everything¬†look good on the outside. I don’t want people to judge me and make me feel small. I don’t want to be¬†vulnerable.¬†So I don’t talk about that stuff I keep it upbeat and happy but I can’t keep¬†doing¬†that. That is not how life is and you aren’t going to get support from the people around you if you lie¬†and¬†hide all the time. So I will keep posting happy and simple nails bits and all that fun stuff I always do but you may have to deal with a few reality checks in my life for me!

Thanks for stopping by!

Where do you stand?

From the title of this you may think this is going to be some really deep thought out post about politics, religion or something along those lines but it is not. I am going to talk about something we all have to deal with and dread I’m sure.
DRAMA
The word makes me cringe. It sounds so awful and annoying. Me writing about drama is even worse cause it means I have drama in my life or I really like it. But who LIKES drama that just doesn’t sound right at all!

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I’m sure you have told someone that they are a Drama Queen and drama is what they live for. I have even heard this cause I have definitely found myself in the midst of drama and made the wrong choices and next thing I know I’m in the middle of a tornado of drama and it is out of hand. That’s how drama is, its easy to get wrapped up in and consumes everything around you and then it ruins everything!

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We have all kinds of remarks for people who LOVE drama. All kinds of come back and quotes about being above drama but isn’t even acknowledging the drama make you part of the drama? That’s the hard part when to ignore it and when to react.

Do you want to be labeled a drama queen?

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People will go on and on about you, your life and all your business. Thinking they have heard enough from everyone else and the little they have seen that they can just tell your story for you. But you are the only one who knows your life. Like I said in an earlier post, it’s your life and you’re the one in control. So here’s my question, are you part of the drama by saying something back to defend yourself or someone else? Should you just ignore it cause well, if the person doesn’t know what’s going on must mean they aren’t a significant person in your life, so why bother? I want to at times just freak out when drama presents me with the chance to dive right it. But I’ve been trying this new concept called Ignoring It. It is really hard to rise above and walk away when someone is trying their hardest to get your attention and make you slip and watch you fall.

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Some people love drama and don’t even see it as drama.

But it is such a nasty concept that how do we go about managing it in our own lives? 

 

2nd post

Positive Post Challenge

Honestly I thought this would be an everyday thing but who am I kidding I can barely keep a schedule with my everyday life without adding extra things to remember so I’ll just try a weekly one.

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How much we need to be told this all the time. When it comes down to it, it is YOUR life you are in control!

I always need to be reminded that I’m strong. That this life is meant for me and that I can do it. Even when I am down in the dumps I guess I can find a way to ignore look pass the worse and see a little good. Of course not with out the help of the people around me cause you certainly can do it alone but who wants that!?

So for my positive note tonight I guess it would have to be that I am strong. Even at times when I think I am not strong enough, turns out I am! I may cry and whine but in the end I stick to something until there is no hope, negative attitude and all!!

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UGH, WTF, SERIOUSLY, REALLY?!?!

I have a confession to make…

You probably can’t tell from my posts but I am a VERY negative person. You always see the little cartoons of the angel and devil on the shoulders, well mine are BIG POSITIVE & NEGATIVE cartoon faces on my shoulders and for whatever reason the negative gets my attention first every time and I find it really hard to ignore it!! I can make the a warm 75 degree sunshine light breeze picnic in the park with a rainbow, ponies and cake and find something negative about it. I always do!!

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So my girl Megan, that I have talked about in earlier posts, has told me to make it a daily thing to make a Daily Positive Blog Post. Cause she is sick and tired of my constant negativity and I think she would like to shake the crap out of me most days. Which give her props for sticking by my moody, negative, selfish butt all this time!

 

SO POSITIVE¬†THOUGHTS…. This is really hard without being shallow like “Oh I am healthy, I got money and roof over my head” Thanksgiving around the table ramblings. ¬†I need real positive thinking OPEN MY BIG HAZEL EYES and see what this life has given me!!

DAY 1

What the heck I am¬†going¬†to be shallow, even though while “researching” aka searching Google for happy and mad faces, I saw a post with a 30 day challenge and it said your not shallow if you say that you love your eyes. So I will start this day off with a quick simple positive thought.

I LOVE MY EYES!

What I love about my eyes is that they are hazel/green, my favorite color, super boring right? NOPE, cause they change colors, well shades to be more on point. With my moods they can become more bright green or blue almost. Kind of neat when I notice it which isn’t often that I pay that much attention to myself let alone someone else paying that much attention to me. But still pretty neat. They are healthy as far as I can see, I made a funny, cause I have excellent vision. Yay no glasses for me…yet? Minus the headaches/migraines I get that put my left eye out of order sometimes, it is pretty nice to be able to see everything.

HERE COMES THE MUSHY PART

I get to see my wonderful, beautiful, magical and lovely daughters faces through these eyes.
I get to smell the fresh spring grass and run my fingers through it knowing it is the bright shade of green cause I am not color blind.
I get to make funny faces and flirt with my fiance’ with these sometimes naughty eyes. ūüėČ
I could go on but I am¬†going¬†to spare you cause lets face it, ¬†I’m missing my negativity already. Time to go water my plants that all are dying I swear cause it is never sunny out so they can’t grow!!

“The eyes are the window of the soul.” -English Proverb

I’M BACK

What A Week!!!!!

Okay my last post was April 9th when I told you all I was going on a mini vacay which happen to be in Illinois and throwing electronics to the side to focus on well anything but world online!! It was a business related trip for my Fiance and it was SHORT! So on our way home we extended it and went off the map and the point of off the map is YOU WILL NEVER KNOW! So April 9th through mid afternoon the 13th I was MIA. Then that afternoon, the 13th, was when I decided to jump in the car drive 6 hours more to show up in my homeland, The Upper Peninsula AKA Yooperland to visit my very best friend, my BATMAN and the one and only MEGAN over at Not Your Everyday Superhero. With my life feeling in complete CHAOS since moving to the Lower Peninsula without her it was so nice to surprise her and the family. She was a little confused and in doubt I was actually there but after a minute, what she probably thought was a hallucination since it was 10 pm, she hugged me and we stayed up all night just like the old days talking about everything under the sun! It had been since December that we had been together. When you have that one person in your life that under any circumstances will be at your side and support you nothing in this world feels that good!!

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I WANT TO JUST MAKE THIS WHOLE POST ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND MEGAN AND HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND SHE IS SO AWESOME AND IF YOU HAVE THE PLEASURE OF KNOWING HER AND BECOMING A FRIEND OF HERS AND IN HER CIRCLE YOU ARE BLESSED!

But I have so much more to tell you. During the “OFF THE MAP” vacay I did NO Sexy Back exercises. So I’m not giving up I just won’t be doing SQUAT CHALLENGE anymore. I may have hurt myself during that time and I’m going to focus on my running and my regular amount of exercises. I am not up for the challenge at this time and it kinda of was too hard for me to do. So sorry to disappoint but GOOD NEWS I’m not giving up on SEXY BACK OPERATION!! I bought a new swimsuit and I’m going to ROCK IT!!!!

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THIS IS TURNING INTO THE LONGEST POST EVER!!!!

So told you about vacay, best friend, sexy back and now I HAVE GOOD NEWS!! I am a HUGE country fan, and I love Thompson Square and Twitter. So yesterday I got followed on twitter by the OFFICIAL Thompson Square Twitter page!!! I was ecstatic about this like my first official page follow and by them like OMG can they be anymore AWESOME!! LOVE LOVE LOVE and yes okay I’ll stop now but just wanted you to see that and share that cause IT IS AWESOME!! AND I AM GIVING HUGE PROPS TO THE BOBBY BONES SHOW CAUSE WELL LETS JUST SAY HIS SHOW IS AWESOME FANTASTIC, I’m listening now on my iHeartRadio as I type this! And you need to check out all his Co-Host AMY and LUNCHBOX and I’m pretty sure there is more but I’ll let you explore that some more BUT GO DO IT NOW!!!

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NOW I AM GIVING A SHOUT OUT TO MY FAVORITE THING I FOUND YESTERDAY!!

I have Siruis XM Radio and LOVE The Big 98 WSIX and now I can have it in my car and on my Iphone with IheartRadio!!

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^^^This is my awesome photo college of the two, Yep me trying to be creative! iHeartRadio ROCKS!!!!!^^^

NEXT…SERIOUS TIME… Never fun but I am going to go there anyway cause hey we all need a dose to keep us out of the clouds of our own worlds cause as you can see I can be a little excited and happy at times ^ the above part ūüėÄ

I have a past, who doesn’t, that just won’t go away and is always in the back of my mind and some way and some how it finds a way to rear its ugly face right in the middle MY LIFE and at the WORST TIMES! And it did this weekend and I am NOT going to go there and whine and complain and poor poor pitiful me on this post but CAN I GET A MOVE ON CHANT!! (Where is my State Farm Agent-Can get a Hot Tub!) So since I have no control over other people unless I do something illegal and kill someone I am just going to have to express all my anger in a journal, privately, so I don’t hurt anyones feelings and then CAN BURN IT (in the tiny scary whispering voice…My Precious)

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OKAY SO I THINK I AM DONE WITH THIS POST….

Next post is nails and My visit with Megan (pictures)

Break!!

Okay I posted one other time about my horoscope and how I check it everyday and how it’s so right on. Well I had a LONG weekend with my crazy, disorganized, annoying little sister and her clan. So last night when they left and after doing as much cleaning as my sore fitness legs would let me, I went to bed. I woke up this morning and my head HuRTs, like give me 2 Excedrin and put me back to bed please! But today I have to travel to Illinois which is a long drive! So I been looking at this like a mini-vacay. I need a break from a few thoughts and a small part from my life. So that’s what I’ll be doing. I’m going to put down my electronics and pay attention to the small things and enjoy my Illinois trip.

This is what I read when I woke up this morning, Horoscope time ( my original thought) and why I say it scares me how it can be so written for me and why I want to learn more about the Zodiac World!

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I’ll be posting one more time today! It’s a good one and then I’m going to disappear until Thursday!! Hope you guys enjoy your midweek and look forward to reading and catching up later this week!! Some Nail posts, a little bragging, and of course Fitness posts will be back soon!!
Thanks for stooping by!!

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