It’s been too long

I have writers block!
When I say that it just means so much is going on in my head I can’t form words to express them. Only time I can get anything out correctly is in my therapy I’ve been in since end of April right after I was told and diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

I love therapy!

It isn’t therapy like I thought where I sit an do a ton of talking. It’s more to help manage my life therapy. Set goals and help manage anxiety’s in my life. Since I understand that anxiety doesn’t just go away like the a stomach flu or a headache. But going through all this is really hard on me. I am an open book I like to think but it’s all surface stuff. Now I have to deal with things I’ve always brushed off. Small things trigger my anxiety quickly and that’s hard to manage without going bonkers! I just keep saying “Anxiety just needs to go away anytime now!” But the truth is I’ve always had it just ignored it for the most part. Until it knocked down my door and now I have to deal with it. I hate talking about how I really feel and hate even more having people question me and my feelings. So again I will say I love therapy cause she doesn’t question me!! I’m sure she does but she is an expert and has a real good way to ask me. And it helps knowing she isn’t judging me and isn’t going to turn and blab to her girls friends or the bartender about my life. I must say that’s the biggest reason I love therapy, the no judgment! Everyone judges, don’t even think you don’t liar, cause you do! It may not be huge and absurd judgments but you do it, we all do it.

So if you find security and hope in life by talking to a complete stranger about your life I say go for it. Doesn’t mean your weak or can’t handle life just means to me that you don’t need anyone else’s opinion and just someone to listen. And if you get some feedback or direction BONUS!

So I think I’ve rambled on enough about my personal therapy situation to end this post in saying I miss my blog ramblings and hope soon I’ll be back in the swing of it and have even more to offer my lovely followers.

I may not always blog cause I feel blogs deserve many words, but I have my Twitter, which I am constant on, small thoughts and ideas are easier to manage ūüôā So come see me there maybe let me know what you’d like to hear more of about my journey through life, anxiety, therapy, or anything else I’ve written about.

Always thankful to you for stopping by and hope I’ve inspired you!

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WRITING AHHHH

I can’t even explain how this is so hard!

Okay I can write all day¬†about¬†anything blah blah blah blah! But now that I am officially in COLLEGE I all of a sudden can’t write. I get my first assignment in my class to write a¬†Breakthrough Essay¬†to help my professor get to know my writing style and I am freaking out. What if I do it wrong? Is there a way to express yourself wrong? The judgment is killing me! How can I get through this 12 week jammed pack class if I am unable to do a simple¬†informal¬†essay? But yet here I am writing on my blog like no¬†problem.

Ahhh the pressure!!! 

Okay I first have to express that I LOVE EXPRESSING myself trough writing whether I am good at it or not, I like it! But there are so many RULES when it comes to writing!Image

I mean okay we got the basics in high school but it has been almost 8 years since I dropped out I am pretty sure I missed some stuff. But it turns out, I like¬†English and I am pretty good at it, most the time, when I try. So why am I so scared about writing this essay when I know I can. Does it really matter what the professor thinks…HELL YEAH!!¬†

So I guess this post was just to express my stress about writing in the real world. Cause on here I think I’m pretty awesome even when I’m not! Just goes to show when your¬†writing¬†for the love and fun of it how different it really is.

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my little rant! 

It’s Official

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I’ve been MIA for a while it seems but I’m back to update quickly to everyone that I am officially enrolled and start college this week!! Been a very stressful time trying to get everything together but it all came together.

If you read my last post you know that I’m going through a ton but I’m being positive and very excited to finally start this new chapter in my life! I didn’t graduate high school and took me until I was 24 to get the courage to grab my life back and I received my GED December of 2012!! That was a huge step and I am proud of myself no matter what that I’ve accomplish so much in less than a year!!

I will be attending MMCC for my associates in english and then transferring to CMU for my bachelorsin education! I’m just so happy about my progress.

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Outside Looking In

Can it be true?

20130428-204258.jpgLooking in on someones life you can glance and see it is very nice. But that is looking from the outside. You don’t know if she cries at night or wakes up and convinces herself that this is what she wants, she has to keep on going. She can’t give up no matter what! It is also possible that you are seeing it correctly. She has it all, the perfect job, house and the dream. She made all the right choices and now she has it all!

Just like this picture, you look and see such beauty in the color of the nails and nature in her hand. But what you don’t see is the aching, the peeling skin and she may be mad crumpling the flowers in her hand. Just depends on when you capture her.

Take a second look

I am just that girl.

 I wanted this blog to be a public place I brag about how great my life is. How simple it is like nail polish and vacations. But I would be lying if that is all I wrote about. I mean my blog title is, just a girl writing about what life has handed her, it would be a shame not to share all of it with you.

A Deeper Look 

I¬†struggle¬†daily with anxiety. I had never been diagnosed by a physician but I grew up knowing¬†something¬†wasn’t right with me. I was ¬†different¬†from my brothers¬†and¬†sisters. My mind raced with a million what if’s in a second it seemed. I was so scared¬†something¬†would go wrong, I would miss out on something or someone would be upset at me I lost my confidence and became a monster on the outside to protect myself. ¬†As I got older it got worse. I would find myself huddle in a corner crying about something but my mind was racing so fast that I didn’t know what it even was anymore I was upset about. It made making decision about anything more difficult and thinking about my future would make me paralyzed inside. Only in the last 3 years have I realized what it is that is wrong with me and found ways to cope with it. As much as I want to control it and¬†thought I was in¬†control¬†I wasn’t and I am not.

The Past, The Present, The Future

In the past anxiety controlled me and it still does today, but in the future I will have control.

Recently my life has been really good on the outside but something just wasn’t right.¬†Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I cry all the time? Why am I so angry?

Well turns out I don’t just have anxiety to deal with but I also am depressed. I finally lost control enough in my life that someone had to step in and I was diagnosed with my anxiety, which I knew, but was shocked to hear I was depressed. I am a sufferer of depression. I see those commercials, that isn’t me! I get up and I get dressed. I laugh about things, I am fine. But that isn’t true and now I have a ton of work to do and figure out why I am this way and what I can do to take my life back from these diagnosis’. Now that I know and am aware of what is going on the signs are so much clearer but it doesn’t make it easier. I still cry so much over everything. Truthfully I get up I do what I have but if I think about it, yes please, leave me in my sweats and let me lay in bed all day. I can’t keep up with things and lose interest quickly. I want to do so much but this¬†depression¬†and anxiety is holding me back and I feel like I am allowing it to. This is a real struggle in my life right now. It is hard not just on me but those closest to me that don’t understand and just want to shake me back to life. ¬†This all goes through my head all day. How I make others feel and why I can’t make them happy? ¬†Why I can’t be normal in their eyes?

I don’t know anyone with both depression and anxiety. I don’t know if what I am feeling is normal or what I should be doing. I feel like my depression is working against my anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain how trapped I feel in my own mind and body. I try to ignore it, dig deep, and go for it. But no matter how hard I think it or say it to myself I sometimes just cannot do it! So I write about it, this is one of my first steps to recovery or something of that sort. I can’t promise that I can write everyday about it or be able to again but I found it somewhere in me to say something.

One last thing… I don’t know why it is this way at all but it is. I don’t know if it is from years of anxiety but I want to make¬†everything¬†look good on the outside. I don’t want people to judge me and make me feel small. I don’t want to be¬†vulnerable.¬†So I don’t talk about that stuff I keep it upbeat and happy but I can’t keep¬†doing¬†that. That is not how life is and you aren’t going to get support from the people around you if you lie¬†and¬†hide all the time. So I will keep posting happy and simple nails bits and all that fun stuff I always do but you may have to deal with a few reality checks in my life for me!

Thanks for stopping by!

May Photo A Day Challenge*Day 3/4/5

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I have been MIA but I didn’t forget!

20130505-201600.jpgDay 3 was “this is really good” and these crackers are so good! They are tasty and not too strong and can be eaten anytime I swear such a good snack, LOVE THEM!

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Day 4 was “in my cup” and it has been Gatorade for quite some time! I love Fruit Punch¬†Gatorade¬†so much and I could drink it all the time.

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Day 5 is “paper” and when I think of paper I think of the greatest thing printed on paper and that is my GED and the papers I got for registering for college!

 

May Photo A Day Challenge*Day 2

Day 2 of the May Photo Challenge

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Today is “morning ritual” and I must admit I am NOT a routine type girl at all, let alone a morning person. But if I think hard there are a few things I do every morning.

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My main thing I make sure I do every morning is pay a little attention to Shaggy. Switch his lights, feed him and maybe pick him up.

I am not addicted but coffee in the morning is a big plus in my book and most mornings I have a cup or two. I love my KEURIG Coffee Maker!

I am on my phone ASAP checking my Instagram or Twitter. I am also on my iPhone saying good¬†morning¬†to my bestie, I really can’t enjoy a day without talking to her.

With so much going on with my phone I have my laptop open playing some music and open to one of my social networks, usually my blog or Facebook so I can chat to everyone in the morning.  

And that would conclude my morning ritual. Which then its bathroom time and out the door ūüėÄ

So not a big deal morning ritual at all and now that I think about it I really am addicted to my online life ūüėÄ ¬†But for a person with not much of any routine and not a¬†morning¬†person I still manage to get out of bed and start my day!

Thanks for stopping by and hope you got a little inspiration. Don’t forget if you want to join this challenge check out my first post and tag #FMSphotoaday on Twitter and Instagram with your pictures!

May Photo A Day Challenge

Just today Miss Cherry Blossom Pretty commented on one of my earlier posts so I went and checked out her blog. It is pretty sweet! Easy for me to relate to and fun! While visiting her page I saw that she has joined the May Photo A Day Challenge at FatMumSlim’s Page. So I am going to take part in it too cause hey, I love taking photos and as Miss Cherry said great way to meet other bloggers when your new! You can find the rules at May Photo A Day link above .

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I am starting this on the first day which is a miracle, I am always late with online things! So today is “i bought this” and what do you know but today was PAYDAY! So I was definitely out buying things! Unfortunately nothing EXCITING I’m sure for you but I love my boy Shaggy and today he got a little extra something. I am worried about him not growing so I bought him his own nutritional booster. I take them for working out and such why not him too.

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It is to help his bones stay strong and help with his¬†other vital bodily functions ūüėÄ He is a captive animal in a unnatural habitat so I have to do what I can for him!

I am excited about this challenge and hope you are too!

Thanks for stopping by and hope you all got a little inspiration!

Jeyna Grace ©

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