Outside Looking In

Can it be true?

20130428-204258.jpgLooking in on someones life you can glance and see it is very nice. But that is looking from the outside. You don’t know if she cries at night or wakes up and convinces herself that this is what she wants, she has to keep on going. She can’t give up no matter what! It is also possible that you are seeing it correctly. She has it all, the perfect job, house and the dream. She made all the right choices and now she has it all!

Just like this picture, you look and see such beauty in the color of the nails and nature in her hand. But what you don’t see is the aching, the peeling skin and she may be mad crumpling the flowers in her hand. Just depends on when you capture her.

Take a second look

I am just that girl.

 I wanted this blog to be a public place I brag about how great my life is. How simple it is like nail polish and vacations. But I would be lying if that is all I wrote about. I mean my blog title is, just a girl writing about what life has handed her, it would be a shame not to share all of it with you.

A Deeper Look 

I struggle daily with anxiety. I had never been diagnosed by a physician but I grew up knowing something wasn’t right with me. I was  different from my brothers and sisters. My mind raced with a million what if’s in a second it seemed. I was so scared something would go wrong, I would miss out on something or someone would be upset at me I lost my confidence and became a monster on the outside to protect myself.  As I got older it got worse. I would find myself huddle in a corner crying about something but my mind was racing so fast that I didn’t know what it even was anymore I was upset about. It made making decision about anything more difficult and thinking about my future would make me paralyzed inside. Only in the last 3 years have I realized what it is that is wrong with me and found ways to cope with it. As much as I want to control it and thought I was in control I wasn’t and I am not.

The Past, The Present, The Future

In the past anxiety controlled me and it still does today, but in the future I will have control.

Recently my life has been really good on the outside but something just wasn’t right. Why wasn’t I happy? Why did I cry all the time? Why am I so angry?

Well turns out I don’t just have anxiety to deal with but I also am depressed. I finally lost control enough in my life that someone had to step in and I was diagnosed with my anxiety, which I knew, but was shocked to hear I was depressed. I am a sufferer of depression. I see those commercials, that isn’t me! I get up and I get dressed. I laugh about things, I am fine. But that isn’t true and now I have a ton of work to do and figure out why I am this way and what I can do to take my life back from these diagnosis’. Now that I know and am aware of what is going on the signs are so much clearer but it doesn’t make it easier. I still cry so much over everything. Truthfully I get up I do what I have but if I think about it, yes please, leave me in my sweats and let me lay in bed all day. I can’t keep up with things and lose interest quickly. I want to do so much but this depression and anxiety is holding me back and I feel like I am allowing it to. This is a real struggle in my life right now. It is hard not just on me but those closest to me that don’t understand and just want to shake me back to life.  This all goes through my head all day. How I make others feel and why I can’t make them happy?  Why I can’t be normal in their eyes?

I don’t know anyone with both depression and anxiety. I don’t know if what I am feeling is normal or what I should be doing. I feel like my depression is working against my anxiety. I don’t even know how to explain how trapped I feel in my own mind and body. I try to ignore it, dig deep, and go for it. But no matter how hard I think it or say it to myself I sometimes just cannot do it! So I write about it, this is one of my first steps to recovery or something of that sort. I can’t promise that I can write everyday about it or be able to again but I found it somewhere in me to say something.

One last thing… I don’t know why it is this way at all but it is. I don’t know if it is from years of anxiety but I want to make everything look good on the outside. I don’t want people to judge me and make me feel small. I don’t want to be vulnerable. So I don’t talk about that stuff I keep it upbeat and happy but I can’t keep doing that. That is not how life is and you aren’t going to get support from the people around you if you lie and hide all the time. So I will keep posting happy and simple nails bits and all that fun stuff I always do but you may have to deal with a few reality checks in my life for me!

Thanks for stopping by!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ooh La La Nails
    May 06, 2013 @ 04:42:08

    Brilliant post Kel! I suffer from anxiety too and it’s horrible. You are amazing!

    Reply

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